Hanoi ephemera (4)

Just when I thought I had a mental archive for all of these craps.

The fleeting Hanoi

My grandfather passed away on Saturday at 86. He went peacefully, having led a fulfilling life with a professional legacy and a dedicated family by his side until the end.

I lost both my grandparents on my mother's side a few years ago. I was saddened, of course, but I took their deceases easier than I thought. Maybe it was the circle of life (they were 76 and 85, which were quite long life-spans), maybe I was away. This time, I got to spend more time with my grandpa, to see him and feel him and say my farewell for the last time.

It feels too real.

hanoi ephemera (2)

I get emotionally attached easily. You spend a day with me, listen to my ramblings and share a bit of yours. I'll think of you for the next few months.

On my way from the hospital to my grandparents' today, I drove along this motorbike. Two guys, definitely younger than me (being 25+, I've started seeing all guys as younger than me). We drove along, all the way from Hang Bai / Hai Ba Trung all the way to Kim Ma.

Yes, I got attached. Not Korean-drama-coincidental-love attached. Road attachment. Like, a "Hey we were on the way. Geographically. But how about mentally" attachment.

While we were stuck in the traffic on Son Tay, I heard them sing to a "Em đi xa quá... em đi xa anh quá..."

Made our departure much much easier.

smoke of wisdom

When you keep having problems with people, chances are, you are the problem.

Talk of the day.

I had a conversation with a male friend from middle school. We gossiped about some people in our class who got married, or will be very soon. In the end, we found ourselves the subjects of this always-controversial topic. Well, we are both in awkwardly long-term relationships, so the talk seemed natural at its best. Here are a few lines for thought.

Him: It [marriage] is not an assignment, so don’t push us with a due date.
Me: No, of course we won’t. But at least let us know, or give us a hint that you plan to submit it at some time in the future.

because i fell in love with you in the winter.

The arrival of an early winter-
makes the wind colder, closer
And unconscious!

At the corner of a Starbuck's
You and Me and something else named Love
Snowflakes fall as the music calls
Jazzy sounds and some other unknowns
Into the hearts,
of mellow whispers.
Two paper-cups, taken two people
Whilst all distances become invisible
We're no smoke, no scent, no flavor
But the café ain't that original
The café ain't yet over.

So,
when the season begins to chill
I'll live my life somewhere else-
somewhere unstill
where the wind-chime dwells and the stardust melts
Another moment I could ever yearn.
But just whether, whether everything stumbles
Touch my hand,
remind me of the winter
Hold me tight,
tell me about the weather
Then You and Me will Love surround.
So that when the music swings,
I will love you, unlike the same.
So that when the bird jings,
I will love you, yet again.

"the everlasting passion-inspirer"

this is almost the best thing that could ever happen to an amateur blogger such as myself ;)

Just dropped by your page and am so amazed and inspired by your writing. I know I have said a lot about how I love your writing but I still wanna state it not one but many many more times, I LOVE your writing. love every word, every sentence of yours. I can feel the love, the passion, the burning desire, even the desperate sadness, the longing loneliness. All I can say is that your writing is LIFE.

and the best thing is, it's not the only message with the similar content.

Những vụn vặt trong thành phố (part 5)

This is the kind of conversation that makes you smile, long after, in retrospect.

- "You're crazy!"
- "Thanks, I'll take that as a compliment."
- "Wow, you really are crazy!!!"
- "I know."

Những vụn vặt trong thành phố (part 4)

Mượn tạm từ note của một người bạn. 

What hurts the most is missing someone whom you see everyday.

No, it's being forgotten by someone you would never forget.

I know, right?

I just came to say I love you and see if you would be needing anything
To say thank you and how greatful I am for everything you taught me
It's those long talks I won't forget
Just to see you smile, it brings me right to them
So I'll sit here now and hold your hand
It's these few long hours that make me what I am

We laugh about the times, we laughed so hard until we fell asleep this evening
And then I watch you there alone, in fear, wishing I could speed your breathing
And all the wind blows through the trees
I swear there are angels talking back to me
And I scream please don't leave me here tonight
I need you now, I need you in my life

But you're gone and you're never coming back again
But you're gone and you're never coming back again
But you're gone and you're never coming back again
But you're gone and you're never coming, you're never coming back
But you're gone and you're never coming back again

the un-revelation

"the un-revelation" on facebook

Foreword: The rhetoric question, "Missed the States already?" has seemingly enlightened my day. Among the common assumption that I should be “having fun to the fullest” in Hanoi, the city is not for pure enjoyment. It also calls for new experience and sentimentality, which includes the refinement of the leftover feelings. 

He, who reveled in her homecoming on her behalf, in the light of knowledge that he was the particular person she'd miss. He, whose attempt to placate her reminiscence for the States by telling her, "the country will slip your mind in just a few days" backfired. He, who knew but barely understood. He, who saw but scarcely touched, who touched but hardly felt, and who felt but never made it with his hu-man-ly senses. Leaving wasn't difficult for her, and neither was departing. The former took a day at least, the latter a goodbye kiss at most. Letting-go was difficult, especially when she was acutely conscious to keep the memories prolonged in her mind. In that brooding frame of mind, her memories palpitated insanely until they were oppressed by one another, writhed and vanished into the ether. At that standstill of time, she no longer remembered him nor forgot him. She couldn't even recall the face that once came so close to hers that it obscured her eyes, or the voice with which she once talked so much that the air vibrated swiftly in her ears. Yet, they were all vivid - his embrace of her breath, her shivering lips, his echoes of laughter, and her unaware silence. They were all light, but replete. Lost, but extant.

She did not think of him to remember him, just as she did not leave him to forget him. She didn't care to see if they both exist at that moment. This collection of memories needed no character anymore. What it now looked for was just a figure to fill in the times they used to share, and the things they used to do. These images were not to be imprinted, treasured then eventually halted inside of her. They was oscillating in front of her, waiting to be chased, seized and rephrased into her own stories - the life as she's known it, the romance as she's dreamed it, and the hope as once possible. Their moments, then, became hers. Exclusively hers. Everlasting hers.

-revised from my freshman writing, inspired by the notes of L. & Q.A, added with some trace of the presence

Womanhood

A few weeks ago, I had a long-time-no-see talk with my high school Chinese tutor. Back in those years, she, as an adult, had always amazed and upset us, little girls in cozy relationships, with crude facts about romance and marriage, to be exact, about their differences. She told us that romance is not the fundamental element in either a relationship or a marriage. A lot of people broke up while their romance still lingers on; some of them ended up getting married to somebody else they don't even love. We find a lover by sensibility, but choose a partner by sense.

These were all foreign and unconvincing facts, and we were in aggressive denial and insistent disbelief. After all, we were teenagers who were committed, passionate and sensible with our life. Maybe we were too busy enjoying our every-single-moment with our boyfriends, too immersed in our "lover's block" to spare ourselves a "negative" thought. We were beautiful in our romance, so we knew there should be no obstacle in us believing it.

But innocence died. All of us, turn by turn, broke up with the one we allegedly called "significant others", just the way it was. Some of us moved on, some let it go, and some kept it deep inside the heart. From that day, I realized that my idea of love has changed. I only got to know love by personal experiences. But since love was gone from me, I had to look at it through another lens, as a concept instead of a practice.

Maybe love is simply the union of different variables. Physical attractions, the sense of trust, shared attitudes, blah, you name it. Finding a variable or two in somebody might make you think that it is love; however, it is only the start of a growing interest, which might or might not grow to the fortune of affection and love. Some variables are more dominant than others. Besides, since these variables are not constant, as they change, so do our own perception of love. The same process applies to marriage. If two unions intersect with sufficient variables, love is safe to be upgraded to marriage. Otherwise, a choice for privilege must be made.

Back to the talk with my tutor. Randomly enough, I announced her (to be exact, lied to her) that I would get married this upcoming summer. Her two first reactions were "Wow" and "Congrats", which surprised me by all means. I had expected something else, like "WHAAATTT" or "REALLYYY". Anything else instead of her "i'm-so-happy-for-you" type of expression. Obviously, it is not a case to be fully happy about. I'm mature but under-age, well-educated but under-graduated, skilled but unemployed. I can hardly sustain my own life. Yet it is still a good news that I'm getting married? Generally speaking, if any girl in any of the similar circumstances
decides to get married, she is making the most unwise choice in her life. I'm not defying family values, but I believe they are not easily accessible. You have to reach out to the society, learn to deal with people, contribute to the community, etc. Only when you find your role in the people's world could you understand yourself and be ready to live in your own world.

Indeed, as I write these words, I am unconsciously thinking of some of my acquaintances, who are at my age but have gotten married and even have children. Everybody, including me, admire their happiness in their weddings or with the cute newborns. I just wonder if they would find their life enough satisfactory and fulfilling. Have they ever feel lost, insecure and left behind as their friends work and love "out there"? Of course, everybody has different goals for life. I'm talking from the perspective of a non-traditional, liberal and ambitious girl. But some may simply wish to settle down with a small family. I'm in no position to judge, but can't help asking myself, "What is next for these young wives?" Will they acquire another role beside wifehood and motherhood, or remain their identity fixed and exclusive like that until "the end"?

During Thanksgiving, a fortune teller and people at Brown University suggested my boyfriend and me getting married as soon as possible because our destinies "match perfectly." (He and) I laughed and dismissed immediately. Although I love him and have been planning our perfect wedding (which, by the way, has nothing to do with a perfect marriage), I have many goals to which I set priority, like "traveling to Africa and helping poor people." And I felt happy and appreciated that although some people were obviously surprised, nobody "doubted" my words or made a joke out of them.

All I know for sure is that I have to finish my current chapter in order to begin a new one.

A-fortiori

Vulnerable - Roxette


For a reason, this song has been with me on the train from Copenhagen to Ishoej everyday...

Together, we passed by rivers and buildings, we read "The House with the Mezzanine" in the day-dreams, saw the leaves gradually changing the colors and felt the cold season approaching closer.

Solitude? It is not the circumstance as presented. It is the state of mind.

"Harmonization" Summer Camp 2009 - The Report

SECTION I

“Harmonization” Summer Camp 2009 (HSC09) enhanced the lives of children with intellectual disabilities and brought a brighter path for their futures. Hosting a series of leisure, recreational and educational activities throughout a 5-day camp session, we promoted independence, self-esteem and social skills for children from the Binh Minh Secondary School by pairing each child with one volunteer student, recruited from various high schools and universities around the country. The camp took place in Hoa Binh, a mountainous region in northwestern Viet Nam.

HSC09 brought a life-changing experience to all participants; although the experience was transforming in different ways. For 30 disabled children, whose age ranges from 9 to 21, this was the first extensive period of time without their parents. They were exposed to a variety of activities, to the nature, to the social world, as well as to their own inner capacity. At the same time, 30 student volunteers had a unique opportunity to contribute to the community and its disadvantaged, as Hong V. had said in his diary, “after 18 years, this is time I paid my debts to life.” The maturity of the volunteers grew with their responsibilities, as both a mentor to the children and a young citizen of society. We (supervisors and accompanying parents) were amazed upon the tremendous care that the mentors gave the children in the daily routine and group activities: not only they were considerate and supportive big siblings, they became close friends who played games and shared stories.

The intimacy between the mentors and the children was one lasting perspective on the camp. Unfortunately, there is not an expectation for disabled children to socialize with the whole community. However, the camp demonstrated a smooth transition in the process of socialization. After 5 days, we observed positive growth not only with how to communicate with similar aged-peers but also how to become more and more approachable to new people. By the end of the camp, the strong interpersonal bonds were noticeable. There were a few exceptions due to health problems and physical inabilities to communicate (listening/speaking problems), but even within these, the children developed an attachment with their mentors. There is a perception that disabled children might be imperceptive to emotions; however, indeed, they were very sentimental and desired to express their feelings. Therefore, receiving love and care from the mentors was a “moving” and “treasureable” opportunity to be more confident and aware that they are not ignored.

The second lasting impression was the educational initiatives of the camp, which included the curriculum and its implementation. We organized sports, arts, games and nature exposure activities where the children gained particularly communication skills (e.g. careful listening and clear speaking). Some children developed new lifeskills, such as tying strings and coordinating body movement. Moreover, by being placed in a peer context and away from the family, this contributed to greater independence. It also uncovered many symptoms, both positive and negative, previously unknown to their parents. This was extremely meaningful, since we reported these to their parents and provided consultation for the child’s continued development.

HSC09 could have been even more successful if there had been more involvement from Binh Minh Elementary School. In the proposal phase, we anitipcated that the school’s special needs staff would design the curriculum and supervise the camp site, as the disability experts, jointly with us. Unfortunately, due to a summer schedule conflict, we, as the two project leaders, planned and implemented the summer camp on our own. Thanks to the helpful parents and responsible mentors, everything ran very well and smoothly.

SECTION II

In the volunteer application form for prospective mentors, we proposed two essay questions discussing mentorship and friendship. The most two commonly-referenced words were "respect" and "amity". These are the words I’d use to describe my perception of peace: the secured condition in which people are appreciated and equal in terms of social status. Peace is strengthened by a shared aspiration for change to the community, starting with the lives of underprivileged people.

The name "Harmonization" was created from this perspective. In her diary, Linh N. wrote, "This is absolutely true - the harmony between the mentors and the mentees, between the mentally-defective and the kindhearted minds, between the long life ahead and the swiftly-passing duration of 5 days has connected all of us - who are coming from different regions of our country and living in different continents of the world, but are all here to share and spread the love."

Although HSC09 is local-based, given the geographic representation of the people who participated, the reach is more widespread. The student volunteers returned home and to school, spreading the experiences as a means to advocate for respect and empathy for people with disabilities. As the goodwill is duplicated, more and more children with the disabilities will have the opportunity to integrate in their communities and be better appreciated by others.

Peace in mind – mental comfort and the sense of self-achievement – was what participants acquired. The children were very motivated and gained confidence through the activities and the positive encouragement from others. By the end, the volunteers, including the project leaders, were consumed by feelings of fulfillment. We were able to put into practice our passion for social responsibility. We have always believed in humanitarianism, and the success of HSC09 has fortified that belief. Without either the generous funding from the “100 Projects for Peace” or the enthusiasm of the participants, the camp could not make such claims. On the last day of the summer camp, the two most frequently spoken words were “love” and “miss.” Both of these will echo whenever we reflect on the personal growth and experiences gained through “Harmonization” Summer Camp 2009.


... and thanks to N. M. H. Linh & V. V. Hong for your memorable quotes.

overwhelming or overacting?

hey you,

the music comes right when i decide just to play with it. no seriousness. no commitment. i just want to play it, just as i like. with informality. with freedom. with my heart.

do you remember that, my dear? do i ever tell you that i don't want to be a musician. i'm just a human who love these enchanting melodies and love being emerged in them. moreover, i desire to make them my own, so that i can flow with them to every corner of my mind.

it is the adventure that i love to rattle on, but not for the rest of my life.
it is the place that i love to be at, but not to settle down.
just as it's a romance never meant for a happy ending.

do i ever tell you that i want to play music in a club? because people go there for a musical purpose; and i am there, not only for myself, but for them also. my feelings and their enjoyment mingle together, and the night turns into a show. i were not making a living as if in the day's time. at that time, i know i am making a life and living it.

but i remember telling you that you can let your passion become your career. you and i are different, don't you think? i have a responsibility to fulfill, a dream to pursue and a passion to keep (for myself). my life is divided into unequal parts, which i have to set priorities for. you have a passion that you devote your whole life to it. you are destined for it, and you have to chase it and acquire it.

i'm facing academic pressures and music compression, and wish i could be wise enough. and you're rolling on your way, happily...
do you know how much i'm jealous of you.

A story from the Old Square's café

Guy 1: Damn Victoria's Secret! They have been fantasizing us about breasts for too long!
Guy 2: And confusing our concepts about them, too.
Guy 3: Yeah, fuckin' sue them!

As a woman, I never need a man to make me feel good.

thức lúc nửa đêm (part 7)

"this is a song about a couple of adult people who have spent, oh, quite a long time together,
till one day
one of 'em gets restless and decides to leave.
whether it's the man or woman who left is unimportant;
it's a breakup."

Send In The Clowns - Frank Sinatra


there are songs into which i always listen with a mindful heart, all over again. this song is one of them, the one that has calmed me throughout summer nights of insomnia and worries. there is no particular "you" here. no imaginary reference either.

but, as sinatra said it, why are there some of the ex-couples who try their best to demonstrate who dumped whom in a relationship. in the end, isn't it still "a break-up", an ending to a love affair? why are there some people who "silently" involve in the "competition" of who's over whom first? and does the winning really make them feel better upon the other? i think it's all about narcissism. nobody wants to be a loser, although there is nothing shameful about having your love unrequited. nobody wants to think that they have some problem, although love is not driven by personal wrongfulness. nobody wants to admit that they are suffering more than the other, although love can never be measured and compared.

am i fantasizing too much about love? but i believe in true love shared and built together equally by two people. that so-called "true love" - it might not end up a "happy ending", but i have the constant faith that its meaning and reflection carries on for the rest of our lives. because it's the "contents" that we would keep deepened in mind. in my case, my past experiences have helped me a lot in maintaining the serious, committed relationship with my boyfriend after 2 year. oh, yeah, i had several affairs and never feel hesitate to tell him about them. i just don't want to talk about the break-up, especially about who initiated that. because, after all, i used to devote all of my heart to these affairs, and as a narcissist, i certainly don't want to deny myself, even in that very past.

p.s: link download

ví dụ như, hạnh phúc là thế này

this song always evokes a charming memory to me...

I think of all the good times
And I know it's not how we planned it,
it's crazy world out there
Just hold on to the words we share...

thức lúc nửa đêm (part 5)

Mr. Caltech: married women are perceived as culturalized and desexualized
Woman-to-be: so, is marriage a culture without sex?
Mr. Caltech: i don't know, but it is perceived that way. by men, and maybe women too.
Mr. Caltech: a tragedy. dreadful indeed.

Well, take it simple this way: I am trying to attend more cultural events in hanoi instead of delving myself into the matters of relationships, and sex (no academic reference given). But the words of this Mr. Caltech really strikes me. What does it really mean by "culturalized" and "desexualized", letting aside the use of affixes? Is marriage really a culture that imposes on women the unwritten, dispensable rules. But at first, what are these rules anyway? Is there a discipline or regulation that all wives' schools teach about in "wifehood" - the status and being of a wife to a man, regardless of what male-type he is categorized into?

For the Momentary Moments...

I'm supposed to continue working on reviewing applications, contacting parents and planning the program for the next section.

I just can't do it, for now.

Instead, I have been looking at all of the pictures on Facebook, while flashing back the beauty of yesterday's memories with the Vs (for Volunteers), the Cs (for Children) and the Ps (for Pairs).

Before the camp really happened, I never expected that it would turn out such a great success. Not my success, but yours. It is your success to walk out of your comfort zone to come to this rural area. It is your success to get rid of your daughter-and-son-hood to take care of people who, physically, are the same age as you. It is your success to make them love you with deep attachment. And it is your success to have learn from them in return, and grown mature after all.

Well, time for a confession. After our first meeting at 34, an inexplicable sense of insecurity grew inside of me. It was when I realized that you all looked so young and innocent, and doubted whether you could manage the mentorship. It was when nobody knew nobody, and my speeches and questions were conceived with silence.

But soon, you repressed my worries. It was on our third meeting at Chuon Chuon Pho, which I guess our late arrivals might have allowed you time to get to know each other. I came in the middle, just to see you calling my name and others' correctly and talking lousily (?) to the whole room. It was when I started listening to acquaintances, to laughters and most importantly, to your active and energetic voices. Every face started looking familiar and close to me, confiding me that things were on the right track.

And the day came.

Once again, you repressed my biggest fear, which was the mismatch between mentors and mentees. I almost thought that I could keep track of your every effort, from Hải breaking the steps to befriend H. or Tâm struggling to cheer up the "reserved" P. to Ngọc mentoring H.

And we, unconsciously, became an amazing team with all of the fun. Never would I forget the noises when we played "đi chợ với mẹ", the cheers when "bịt mắt dò mìn" and the (crazy) laughters when "nhảy bao bố". Never would I forget the legends of 214 with boxes of noodles (of bé Hậu), the twinkling mouses (of bé Minh), the crazy dances, the nonsense jokes and the failed faces. We laughed to the point that our mouths got numbed and our stomachs got hurt.

I remember them all, not through the pictures, but by heart.

And I remember many other breathtaking moments.

The thing to be reminded for all applicants is that, HSC09 is not a free traveling and networking opportunity. You don't come here to enjoy the hot springs or to make acquaintances with your peers (some of whom, yes, do study abroad). You are here to be part of an organization, with the ultimate mission of giving the underprivileged children a memorable summer time. The reason on top priority for which you are here, is your concern about children with intellectual disabilities.

They are no different from us. They are not "stupid" or "retarded", neither are useless. Some of them fold their blankets every morning and some draw better than most of us here. It's just that they are slower in perception. They have a mind and a heart. They have senses and feelings. It's just that they have difficulties in expressing those.

I remember the moment of a short conversation among Hiếu, em Kiên and I at the drawing table. It went like this:
Hiếu: Kiên bị ... ("..." = color-blind, but he didn't say it out because the boy is there)
Kiên: Kiên bị Down... chậm khôn ý.
Hiếu: Đâu có, Kiên bị mụn ở nách thôi.

Would you believe to listen to such words from a boy with intellectual disabilities... in a calm, content, clear and conscious tone? I wish I hadn't... because it hurts to realize that he is never to get out of his unfortunate destiny. It hurts to think about his future... and THEIR future in the place where even some well-educated people consider them as "dumb"... where their opportunity to life is minimized because the privileges are reserved for "normal" people... where protection is to vanish and unconditional love is to be broken.

(At the same time, I was so grateful to Hiếu for being able to saying such extraordinary words. Had that been me, I'd just try to digress the topic and continue on the arts. So, Hiếu, thank you!!!)

I remember Phương holding my hand with trust when we were crossing the spring. Her eyes of fear, her silvering body, her inability to balance herself... were a haunt to me, which kept reminding me that I had to take care of this girl with all of my heart, maybe not forever, but at the very moment... that I had to be there for her, maybe not until the end, but until when I was still available. Wasn't this the life-changing experience that I've been mumbling all the time? The sense of responsibility, MY responsibility, without which someone else couldn't manage to achieve things... the awareness of humanities that connects people with no boundary in between... and the presence of maturity... they were all that I could capture even in a wink... but do last and beat stronger to me.

I remember Tâm and Phan Hiếu, the two adorably patient and caring little adults who did an excellent job taking care of the "difficult cases" of Phan and Long. Thank you for your commitment to your kids even when other people were having fun outside... and personally to Hiếu whose drawings were imitated perfectly by Long. Just FYI, I talked about two of you the other day as the genuineness of exemplary mentors.

And I remember the red ribbons... the outburst tears of Hải and Hiền... the silent tears of Quỳnh Anh... the sobbing sounds of Hiếu... the swelling red eyes of Hậu... the nostalgic feelings... and I caught myself crying to all of you... and talking to myself... Who needs reputation and hilarious resumé? Who needs public appreciation when there are theirs and their parents'. We were all here with them, making them happy, showing them love and respect, letting them know that they are something in this life. For the girls, it might have been their first time being treated gently and nicely by a guy. For the guys, it might have been their first time exposing themselves without the fear of being picked on. For the parents, it might have been their first time leaving their children on their own and entrusting them to some strange adolescents.

We gave them that. So, I confidently call it a success.
Tell me, what might it have been for you?

Dancing Inmate's Michael Jackson Tribute

I was stunned upon watching this awesome dance performance, which, beside the "musical" aspect, delivers a significant social meaning, just as a poster comments below:

The discipline and effort shown by these prisoners to put together this show evidences their potential to fit properly into society. I wish as much could be said for the run of the mill American prisoner.

I really admire the supervisor of this center and hope I could do something as inspiring as him.

Maybe I should do another viral performance for my kids in this summer camp, which will finally take place in 3 days?

3 days from now.