A few weeks ago, I had a long-time-no-see talk with my high school Chinese tutor. Back in those years, she, as an adult, had always amazed and upset us, little girls in cozy relationships, with crude facts about romance and marriage, to be exact, about their differences. She told us that romance is not the fundamental element in either a relationship or a marriage. A lot of people broke up while their romance still lingers on; some of them ended up getting married to somebody else they don't even love. We find a lover by sensibility, but choose a partner by sense.
These were all foreign and unconvincing facts, and we were in aggressive denial and insistent disbelief. After all, we were teenagers who were committed, passionate and sensible with our life. Maybe we were too busy enjoying our every-single-moment with our boyfriends, too immersed in our "lover's block" to spare ourselves a "negative" thought. We were beautiful in our romance, so we knew there should be no obstacle in us believing it.
But innocence died. All of us, turn by turn, broke up with the one we allegedly called "significant others", just the way it was. Some of us moved on, some let it go, and some kept it deep inside the heart. From that day, I realized that my idea of love has changed. I only got to know love by personal experiences. But since love was gone from me, I had to look at it through another lens, as a concept instead of a practice.
Maybe love is simply the union of different variables. Physical attractions, the sense of trust, shared attitudes, blah, you name it. Finding a variable or two in somebody might make you think that it is love; however, it is only the start of a growing interest, which might or might not grow to the fortune of affection and love. Some variables are more dominant than others. Besides, since these variables are not constant, as they change, so do our own perception of love. The same process applies to marriage. If two unions intersect with sufficient variables, love is safe to be upgraded to marriage. Otherwise, a choice for privilege must be made.
Back to the talk with my tutor. Randomly enough, I announced her (to be exact, lied to her) that I would get married this upcoming summer. Her two first reactions were "Wow" and "Congrats", which surprised me by all means. I had expected something else, like "WHAAATTT" or "REALLYYY". Anything else instead of her "i'm-so-happy-for-you" type of expression. Obviously, it is not a case to be fully happy about. I'm mature but under-age, well-educated but under-graduated, skilled but unemployed. I can hardly sustain my own life. Yet it is still a good news that I'm getting married? Generally speaking, if any girl in any of the similar circumstances
decides to get married, she is making the most unwise choice in her life. I'm not defying family values, but I believe they are not easily accessible. You have to reach out to the society, learn to deal with people, contribute to the community, etc. Only when you find your role in the people's world could you understand yourself and be ready to live in your own world.
Indeed, as I write these words, I am unconsciously thinking of some of my acquaintances, who are at my age but have gotten married and even have children. Everybody, including me, admire their happiness in their weddings or with the cute newborns. I just wonder if they would find their life enough satisfactory and fulfilling. Have they ever feel lost, insecure and left behind as their friends work and love "out there"? Of course, everybody has different goals for life. I'm talking from the perspective of a non-traditional, liberal and ambitious girl. But some may simply wish to settle down with a small family. I'm in no position to judge, but can't help asking myself, "What is next for these young wives?" Will they acquire another role beside wifehood and motherhood, or remain their identity fixed and exclusive like that until "the end"?
These were all foreign and unconvincing facts, and we were in aggressive denial and insistent disbelief. After all, we were teenagers who were committed, passionate and sensible with our life. Maybe we were too busy enjoying our every-single-moment with our boyfriends, too immersed in our "lover's block" to spare ourselves a "negative" thought. We were beautiful in our romance, so we knew there should be no obstacle in us believing it.
But innocence died. All of us, turn by turn, broke up with the one we allegedly called "significant others", just the way it was. Some of us moved on, some let it go, and some kept it deep inside the heart. From that day, I realized that my idea of love has changed. I only got to know love by personal experiences. But since love was gone from me, I had to look at it through another lens, as a concept instead of a practice.
Maybe love is simply the union of different variables. Physical attractions, the sense of trust, shared attitudes, blah, you name it. Finding a variable or two in somebody might make you think that it is love; however, it is only the start of a growing interest, which might or might not grow to the fortune of affection and love. Some variables are more dominant than others. Besides, since these variables are not constant, as they change, so do our own perception of love. The same process applies to marriage. If two unions intersect with sufficient variables, love is safe to be upgraded to marriage. Otherwise, a choice for privilege must be made.
Back to the talk with my tutor. Randomly enough, I announced her (to be exact, lied to her) that I would get married this upcoming summer. Her two first reactions were "Wow" and "Congrats", which surprised me by all means. I had expected something else, like "WHAAATTT" or "REALLYYY". Anything else instead of her "i'm-so-happy-for-you" type of expression. Obviously, it is not a case to be fully happy about. I'm mature but under-age, well-educated but under-graduated, skilled but unemployed. I can hardly sustain my own life. Yet it is still a good news that I'm getting married? Generally speaking, if any girl in any of the similar circumstances
decides to get married, she is making the most unwise choice in her life. I'm not defying family values, but I believe they are not easily accessible. You have to reach out to the society, learn to deal with people, contribute to the community, etc. Only when you find your role in the people's world could you understand yourself and be ready to live in your own world.
Indeed, as I write these words, I am unconsciously thinking of some of my acquaintances, who are at my age but have gotten married and even have children. Everybody, including me, admire their happiness in their weddings or with the cute newborns. I just wonder if they would find their life enough satisfactory and fulfilling. Have they ever feel lost, insecure and left behind as their friends work and love "out there"? Of course, everybody has different goals for life. I'm talking from the perspective of a non-traditional, liberal and ambitious girl. But some may simply wish to settle down with a small family. I'm in no position to judge, but can't help asking myself, "What is next for these young wives?" Will they acquire another role beside wifehood and motherhood, or remain their identity fixed and exclusive like that until "the end"?
During Thanksgiving, a fortune teller and people at Brown University suggested my boyfriend and me getting married as soon as possible because our destinies "match perfectly." (He and) I laughed and dismissed immediately. Although I love him and have been planning our perfect wedding (which, by the way, has nothing to do with a perfect marriage), I have many goals to which I set priority, like "traveling to Africa and helping poor people." And I felt happy and appreciated that although some people were obviously surprised, nobody "doubted" my words or made a joke out of them.
All I know for sure is that I have to finish my current chapter in order to begin a new one.
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11 comments:
I think chi Nga just tried to be nice. After years of no talking, she expected you to change and didn't want to interfere, as you guys are no longer close (as used to).
And why dedicated this to me? (well it's me, isn't it?) Did someone tell you that I'm about to send my Save the dates cards to my friends abroad? :-/
I don't blame her; our talk is just an excuse for a blog about my perspective on marriage ;). And I dedicate this blog to Ly and you for reasons. Ly and I share a lot of common in our opinion and our relationships are pretty similar. And you are the one who people believe will get married first among all =) that's it.
ok, just read urs.
everybody has different goals for life.
there it is, simple yet true enough.
but also, as complicated as human's feelings can be, i actually do share the same wondering-ments (quoted Ross in 'Friends' :D) as yours about those young wives :)
maybe they can still change, as they have youth. but it depends so much on how much they want to change, despite, and, with all the eastern family oriented obligations and responsibilities with their kids etc.
sometimes 30 sth yr old women keeps telling me about their belief in 'fate' aka 'so fan' in vietnamese. i opposed. amusingly, lately, some how sometimes i start to think it does exist, at some point when i see lives and think about it...
and innocence still hasn't died for me. it just has been getting more real after more and more real life experiences. i am still in love with innocence in all senses and stuff, not just lovey thingy. and i believe i will still be as long as i want and like it, easy enough.
and i don't think you are mature yet, believe it or not :)) we (in general) all are not and maybe we will never be. isn't that better ;)
what does FB have to do here? i don't stalk people and i only talk about relationships that i know personally.
since u deleted ur 'question', i deleted my answers to that 'question' ;)
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